Stitchin' Heaven Texas' Premier Quilt Shop
Texas Premier Quilt Shop

 

Quilting Funnies

Fabric Alert - Chemical Warning
by Kathy Smith Harris
1997

A recent study indicated that fabric gives off certain Pheromones that actually hypnotize women and cause them to purchase unreasonable amounts. When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, the Pheromones (in the fabric) causes memory loss and induces the nesting syndrome (similar to the one squirrels have before the onset of winter i.e. storing food). Therefore perpetuating their species and not having a population loss due to their kind being cut into pieces and mixed with others. Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit a very high pitched sound, heard only by a select few, a breed of women know as “quilters”. When played backwards on an LP, the sounds are heard as chants, “buy me, cut me and sew me”. In order to overcome the so called “feeding frenzy effect” that these fabrics cause, one must wear a face mask when entering a storage facility and use ear plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip. One must laugh, however, at the sight of customers in a quilt fabric store, with WWII army gas masks and headphones! Studies have also indicated that aliens have inhabited the earth, helping to spread the effects that these fabrics have on the human population. The are call QUILT FABRIC STORE CLERKS. It’s also been experienced that these same Pheromones cause a pathological need to hide these fabric purchases when taken home (or at least blend them into the existing stash), and when asked by significant other if the fabric is new, the reply is “I’ve had it for awhile.”

Only a Quilter …
by Tom and Madge Powis
June 2003

We've all heard the classic line that only a quilter would take
yards and yards of material, cut it into little pieces and then sew
them back together again. While this statement is true and a little
funny to think about, it doesn't even scratch the surface of the
things that only a quilter would do.

Only a Quilter would spend more hours sewing several hundreds of
buttons on a quilt to embellish it, but wouldn't take five minutes
to replace a button on a pair of pants.

Only a Quilter would give the gift of a wedding quilt two months
after the birth of the couple's second child.

Only a Quilter would put hundreds of dollars worth of fabric into
her fabric stash because she might find a use for it sometime, but
wouldn't replace a 50-cent needle on her sewing machine.

Only a Quilter would let three later-arriving patients go ahead of
her at the doctor's office because she is on the verge of completing
a block.

Only a Quilter would rush to finish a gift quilt. Not so it's done
in time for the recipient's birthday, but so it's done in time for
Show and Tell.

Only a Quilter would make a special quilt to give to her son, who
would then have to attend quilt shows just to see it.

Only a Quilter would use freezer paper in the production of
something to keep someone warm.

Only a Quilter has a welcome mat at the door to her home and
an "Enter at Your Own Risk" sign on the door of her sewing room.

Only a Quilter invites everyone to see her sewing room, then
says, "Don't look at the mess."

Only a Quilter says, "I really don't need another project," then
offers to make a quilt for a friend.

Only a Quilter will buy more than she'll ever need of one fabric for
her stash, but slightly less than is needed of another fabric to
complete a project.

Only a Quilter would give a quilt book to the guild auction then bid
on it to get it back.

Only a Quilter would drive 40 miles in a hurricane to attend a quilt
show, but call out to have her dinner delivered because it is
drizzling.

Only a Quilter's family would put up with, understand and love a
quilter.

Murphy's Laws for Quilters
by Judy Grow

On any given day the number of employees in a
quilt shop is inversely proportional to the
number of customers needing quick attention.

Every quilt will take twice as long as you
expect and be ½ as beautiful (we are never satisfied).

There are only 2 kinds of masking tape:
that which won't stay on and that which won't come off.

In cutting an intricate multi-piece block,
your ruler will slip on the last side of the last patch.

When there is no time to do something right,
there will always be time to do it over.

The value of any piece of fabric is directly
proportional to the speed and ease with which you will ruin it.

In any mail-order shipment the item you
need the most will be back-ordered.

The pattern in a special fabric will
never repeat when or where you want it to.

Accidental destruction of a fabric will only occur to
an expensive imported cotton, never to muslin bought at 50% off.

Fabric dyes will never run until the quilt has been completed.

A block with flawlessly straight sides, precision
corners and perfect color placement will always be the wrong size.

A quilt that has to be completed for a birthday
in two months will take two years to finish.
And its corollary: A quilt that has no due date will take

only two months to complete.. When you finally
have your sewing space in the empty bedroom exactly the way
you want it your son will move back home.

You will find the perfect fabric for your quilt
only after it has been discontinued by the manufacturer.

A quilt judge will give you a bad critique
only when the area is full of other people..

That same quilt judge will give praise only
when no one else is around.

The busier you are on any given day the
greater the number of quilting inspirations
you will want to try.

Your quilting thread will break at the needle
only when the last stitch has been taken in the line .

If a novice quilter decides to watch you use
your rotary cutter, you will always ruin
the fabric and cut yourself.

Your bobbin thread will only run out in
the middle of a long line of stitching.

That perfect striped fabric you want to use in
your sashing has been printed off-grain.

The top must be completed and basted to the
backing before you notice the one block that
has a mistake in it.

The quilt-marking pencil that you tested on
every fabric before you marked your quilt
top won't disappear after you have completed the quilt.

You finally get a great idea for your
Guild's challenge one week before the quilts are due.

No matter how much fabric you have bought, you
are not going to have enough for
the quilt you want to make.